for the fear that I’ll have made the wrong decision. For fear that I’ll fail. I just need to learn to trust myself.

And she tells me she’ll never have grandchildren -__-  But that she excepts me but is very dissapointed that I won’t possibly be in a relationship with a man like she wanted me to. Being gay is amazing but hard.

So my girlfriend was asking me if I had to give up any sense what would it be. It’s hard to choose but she ask me something that just made me think. She kept narrowing down the choices but she never got rid of hearing because she knew that was the one I would never give up. See the thing is I could never give up my hearing. My life without hearing would be meaningless. I couldn’t hear the one thing in my life that no matter how angry I am, no matter what happens it never turns it’s back on me. It’s always there. In my car, at school, after a break up, after a death, no matter what I can always hear it. And see I don’t not need taste for music. I don’t need sight for music. I don’t need touch for music. I don’t need smell for music, all I need is my ears and I can smell, see, taste, tough, be anything that I wanna be. Music is apart of me and it’s the reason why I am who I am and why I’m where I am today.

You’re are going to help me decide my future so please be a good helper!

She’s taking the stupid ass TAKS test. I just wish we could go back to the honeymoon phase before we started fighting. Arguing sucks so much.

I just want the summer to come so i can get my phone see her alot and text her all the times i’m not with her. I miss my baby so much. She just doesn’t know how much she means to me. sometimes I feel like one day we won’t like each other enough to be together anymore.

I cried the other day and I realized how much I love her and how much I would miss her. I realize how much I want her to want me and how much I want to tell her everything that’s on my mind and how much i’m scared to say anything :( If I told her something that bothers me i’m afraid she’ll either think there are a million things wrong with her and try and change who she is or she’ll just think i’m being rude.

I don’t wanna lose her.

- shallow desires ♥.

I’ve always had a nice amount of control in m life. Not to much where I’m telling my mom what to do but enough to where my mom supported me for anything that I decided to do. She helped my find out what I loved and now what I wanna do for the rest of my life. I appreciate that, but now she’s pushing the fucking line. 

Okay I haven’t applied anywhere for college. I didn’t have time during the summer and school got me busy, procrastination, blah blah blah. And now I’m really trying to figure out what I wanna do. 

My mom for the past week has been telling me where I NEED to apply. Where SHE THINKS I should go. This is such bullshit. 

Look I get it. She’s my mom. She wants me to be successful. She wants me to do well in life, but sometimes it’s too much. I hate people badger me and try and act like they know everything there is to tell me. Idk if i’ll get in anywhere because I got a 1470 on my SAT. I’m scared all I’m gonna do is get rejection note after rejection note and hen what is she gonna say. Right now her yelling at me, her telling me what I should be doing doesn’t make it any better. It just annoys me and makes me not wanna do it that much more.

then she tries to bring my girlfriend into it. Heather has nothing to do with this. She keeps telling me how much of a distraction she is. How much I don’t get done. how much time i spend with her. I spend everyday with her. Yes. I don’t do hwk over there yes. But i’ve noticed that I’m more wiling to do my hwk and stuff now so that I can go hang out with her. It’s so annoying how people try and tell me what they think I’m doing wrong. You don’t see me sitting around critisizing your life. You dont see me sitting around here acting like I know what you need to do. It’s time for her to leave me alone and just let me breathe. 

Soemtimes I just wish I didn’t feel like a fuck up. My mom badgering me all the time. I feel like that’s all I’ll ever be in life is one big FUCK UP. 

Life sucks -__-

- shallow desires

So, I’ve had people tell me that I’m just experimenting with my gf. It’s like no one thinks that I can actually be into a girl unless it’s an experiment. Sometimes it pisses me off because it’s just like “Who the fuck are you to tell me how I feel about the same sex” Yeah I told everyone that I would never date a girl but I found girls attractive for forever. I KNOW. But see then I sit back and think, why should I give a fuck. I know how I feel about her. She’s so amazing. 

If she was just an experiment I wouldn’t want to be with her. 

If she was just an experiment I wouldn’t tell her I love her.

If she was just an experiment I wouldn’t put up with the dirty stares, the annoying talking behind my back I hear about daily, and my mom constantly tell me about how much she doesn’t except it.

If she was just some fucking experiment I wouldn’t feel a warm feeling inside just from talking to her or her hold me.

How much more can I say. I don’t understand why I can’t be with a girl and it’s not like some huge watch the clock kind of game for them. It just kind of annoys me that everyone keeps telling me that and when I say no they just tell me “Well you never know.” or “Well yeah you think that now and than”

my girlfriend means the fucking world to me. NO relgion, NO evil stare, NO stupid law will ever keep me from loving that girl with all my heart. No matter what is in her pants she will always have my heart and the key that goes with it.

- shallow desires 

Lately it’s been weird. me & my gf. I love her so much. She was talking about how much she missed me but we couldn’t go see each other because our families wanted us to stay home. She kept telling me how much she missed me and I missed her too, but I didn’t understand because we saw each other that day. Not really alot because we were selling fireworks, but we saw each other. So I’m thinking well we see each other almost everyday so how could you miss me to the point were you miss me that much. I didn’t understand her feeling until today.

I wanted her to come over but she said she wanted to spend time with her mom. Now I know it sounds horrible, but this feeling came over me of like idk anger and sadness. I wanted her to come over and she couldn’t. But it wasn’t like I was angry with her, I was just angry that we couldn’t spend time together. So we’re talking and I move on cause I’m supposed to go out with my aunt anyways. Well plans changed and I just was at home texting while she was out being with her mom.

So she texts me “Suprise Visit Later?” Now i’m all excited because I’m like yes she’s gonna come over and then she’s gonna come spend some time with me. Well later the convo she texts me “I don’t think I can come over because my college friedns wants to spend sometime with me” Boy oh boy that killed me. & instantly I knew just how she felt yesterday. The feeling of missing someone so much that you feel this weird sensation in your heart that kills you.

i wanted to scream. I wanted to ask her why she would spend time with her friend instead of me. Again it’s not because I don’t want her to hang out with friends cause I wanna hang out with friends too but it was like I’d been left behind.

Now i’m sitting here in my room missing her & she won’t even text me back. I hate this feeling. I want to go away. This feeling just reassures me that I really do love her because if didn’t love her and I didn’t care I wouldn’t feel this way right now.

- shallow desires

Sometimes being someones kid is so hard. My mom sits around and tries to act like I am just soooo selfish like everytime I tell her I can’t do something for her she freaks out and goes into this huge thing about how “I only asked you to do one thing” or “You can’t just do this for me”

Yesterday while i’m supposed to be reading this book that I have a test on on monday she goes “aaliyah you wanna go to church” Now whatever, I like going to church but I had to read so I told her no and she was all like “awww come on you can’t just go do this. You can’t just go with me” Mom I have to read. Go by yourself I know you want to go. “No I don’t want to go by myself I always go by myself” Like wtf am I supposed to say to that. “Well suck it up bitch, just go alone and stop being a baby” No I mean like t’s so hard to like tell her no. So I was like fine mom I’ll go and she was like yayyyyy! and so she tells me she was gonna say to me “When jesus when to go die for you he didn’t say no i have to go read shakespeare” I just laughed it off but on the inside it pissed me off soooo much -__- I wanted to yell at her and just tell her how unfair that is and that I would never use that on her.

So we went and so after I wanted to go pick up my gf so that she could spend the night and we could spend some time together and so we did and she spent the night. My mom wanted me to ddo her hwk and I’m like mom I can’t I gotta do m hwk. And she says exactly what I expected “You’ve been around here all day making waffles and entertaing guest and all I asked you to do was one thing. This is due today and you know that” Now I don’t know how to do this work but im “better” at figuring out this crap blah blah blah.

Man I just don’t understand parents sometimes. They act like you don’t have a life sometimes. Like you always can do what they want when they want it. Hoestly I don’t feel bad, I’m just superrrrrrr annoyed -___-

- shallow desires 

Somehow, in this country everyday people try and take away things from others. Whether it”s an opinion, just as simple s how they dress.Today I saw this post from this guy who said he hates when he sees ugly girls “trying to dress like pretty girls” because it just doesn’t look right. 

#1: I never knew there was such a thing as a certain way a pretty girl should dress and an ugly should dress.

#2: Have you ever heard of personality? I’m pretty sure if ugly girls dressed the way they felt on the inside, they wouldn’t even stand a chance in your already judgemental  view. 

#3: I’m so sick and tired of hearing that bullshit about “looks are what catch the eye, personality is what makes them stay.” Be honest. If there were two girls, two boys, or whatever you prefer and one was really hot and the other was okay looking you would obviously go for the hotter. So then you get to know the hotter person and oh wait they’re a douche but you’ll stay because of the looks. Looks are what catch the eye, personality is an option.”

I just find it so funny because then when you tell the guy that you should judge on personality he’s uses that quote. “personality is what makes you stay” Guys will stay with a bitchy girl just because she’s hot. Girls too. Which brings me to my next point. The whole issue with women wanting to be equal in the work place. Fair argument. Women don’t want to be looked at as a frail women who can’t do anything, another good point, but men always turn this shit around into “Well then you guys better start doing this and doing that” Look there are stereotypical things that men and women do. 

WOMEN

• Cook
• Clean
• Wash Clothes

  MEN

• Lift Heavy Shit
• Work

So when women start speaking equal right, men always want to throw that shit around about “Well then you better start being the one around here to lift shit and go to work” Okay and you’ll be washing cooking and cleaning am I correct? All women are asking for is the same amount of money as mean want and want to be looked at as someone who can’t do anything. There are things that men are better at lifting shit, playing basketball, and other sports but don’t go around talking about how women can’t do the same amount of work if not better than a man. Yes women want equality, but we want it for something that clearly shouldn’t even be an issue. Sorry to sound like a feminist but sometimes this society makes no sense to me.

- shallow desires

So I am a Bisexual female. I’ve had a gf for about 3 weeks now. It’s different talking to my mom about relationships now because she tries to act like it’s so confusing. Plus the whole “half the world isn’t okay with gay people” thing is really annoying. Then my mom always asks me questions like I’m confused or like this is just an experiment. It’s so hard because today me and mom had this convo and I realized how curious my mom is. Basically she asked “When I asked about different guys one you said ‘I can’t date him he’s shorter than me’ another one you said ‘no I can’t he’s another race’ and she’s a girl that’s three things that are different. How is it different with a girl than a boy?” all i could say was “It’s just different” Because it is. Idk how to explain it. She broke all the normal standards that I would have for my mate. It’s just gonna take me a while to get used to all the asshole people in this world. Hmmmmmm….. Life sucks at times.

- shallow desires

Ehhhh life is complicated. It throws you curve balls. It slaps you in the face. Makes youe feel like shit. It sucks sometimes, but you know what makes it worse… Being selfish. Seems like these days, people does things just for themselves. When I say people I don’t neccessarily mean you, I mean the group we call people. That group of people you know who follow and never seem to lead. They try so hard to do things for themselves. They’ve been through some hard times so they put their guard up. They aren’t good friends because all they can think about is what they want and then you can talk about whatever you have to say but not to them. If you hurt them, they forget you and never try and forgive. If you beg them, they’ll look you in the ask and ask “why are you on the ground?” Selfish people don;t get that people make mistakes & that there are other peopl out there just like them. But that’s life right?

a side note: I know i haven’t been posting that much but i really honestly am going to try to blog more often. Life’s been busy and difficult.

- shallowdesires.

I just love how the most cocky people always have some shit to say. I get it people think your attractive. People are all over you all the time. That shit can get to your head real easy and then your left with this attitude & one day it’s gonna bite you in the ass when it comes to someone who might be right for you. So please for those of us who don’t feed into your looks please do us all a favor and STFU because you damn sure don’t have the personality to back it up.

 - shallow desires ♥.